Executive (DYS)functioning: A Week of Meltdowns, Memory Lapses, and Mayhem
How Everyday Chaos Taught Me About the Brain’s Hidden Skills

by Tamara Pasquali

Executive (DYS)functioning: A Week of Meltdowns, Memory Lapses, and Mayhem
How Everyday Chaos Taught Me About the Brain’s Hidden Skills
Have you heard about executive functioning?
If your child is having play or occupational therapy, or if you’ve ever read up about ADHD, or autism, you may have come across this buzzword. And as “woke” as it may sound, it’s actually a real thing! And it’s something us occupational therapists know a thing or two about.
Full disclosure though: I am a mom of two boys first, and then I am an OT. It’s always a struggle between juggling these two hats, so believe me, we definitely don’t get it right in our house all the time. In the spirit of honesty (and humour), here’s a little snapshot of our executive (DYS)functioning in action (my kid’s names have been changed because I don’t trust the internet):

Monday:
Mom: “Luigi, please open the curtains and take your plate to the dishwasher.” Luigi: (walks halfway across the room) “Wait… what must I do again?” Working memory: offline.

Tuesday:
Fetched the kids from school. Usually, we go straight home, but today I needed to collect a parcel from Takealot. Mom: “Boys, we’re just making a quick stop at Takealot.” Daniele: “Nooo, Mom! We can’t! I neeeed to go home now!” Luigi: “But you said this morning we were going straight home! We always get home by 2:30 pm. How long will it take us now? I won’t have time to do all my things!” Cue moaning, negotiation, and one-and-a-half meltdowns. Cognitive flexibility? Still buffering.

Wednesday:
Mom: “Daniele, are you ready for your exam tomorrow? Have you studied enough?” Daniele: “Yes, Mom! Definitely. Can you just check what I’m writing again?” Planning and organisation – a work in progress.

Thursday:
Walked into my workspace to find a giant red oval scribbled across the brain sketch I’d spent hours drawing. Mom: “Who drew on my work!?” Daniele: “Sorry, Mom. Are you mad? I just thought it needed some colour.” Pure Intentions 10/10. Impulse control 0/10.

Friday:
Daniele locks Luigi outside as a “joke.” Luigi doesn’t think this is funny. He panics and melts down for two hours. Mom co-regulates with Luigi, and rethinks all her parenting strategies. Emotional regulation? Still under construction. Plus a little more lack of impulse control on Daniele’s part (this time, intentions are… questionable).

Saturday:
Mom: “Please clean up your LEGO.” Both boys: “But we’re still busy with it!” Two months later, same “project” still takes up the entire dining room table. Task completion? Pending approval.

Sunday:
Those boxes in the garage have now become part of the décor. Maybe one day I’ll unpack them. Maybe. Task initiation: gold-medal level procrastination. Does this sound familiar? Welcome to the reality of executive functioning fallout. 

So What Is Executive Functioning? In short, it’s a set of self-management skills that support goal-directed behaviour. These are things like pausing before reacting, remembering the next instruction, thinking flexibly when plans change, keeping the space around us organised, starting and finishing tasks, and self-regulating when we feel intense emotions. These skills rely heavily on prefrontal brain networks working together with other regions and systems. (I’d show you a lovely picture of the brain to illustrate where the prefrontal cortex lies, but mine currently has a big red oval scribble over it.) When these skills are still developing, or when a child’s brain is wired differently, everyday routines can suddenly feel like climbing a mountain in slip-slops. Getting dressed, packing a bag, switching tasks, or managing frustration might all take a little extra support (and a lot of patience). Sometimes, when a child’s executive functioning isn’t working optimally, they can be wrongly perceived as lazy, manipulative, or oppositional. But these are skills that strengthen with modelling, repetition, scaffolding, and encouragement. It’s also important to note that executive functioning differences are common, and are not a diagnosis on their own. However, many neurodivergent children, including those with ADHD and autism, have executive functioning variances with profiles varying widely. Becoming familiar with the main building blocks of executive functioning may help you recognise if this is an area where your child (or you) is struggling.

Working Memory: the skill of holding and using information, like remembering the second step of an instruction. Example: “Luigi, please open the curtains and take your plate to the dishwasher.” Five seconds later: “Wait… what must I do again?”.

Cognitive Flexibility: adapting to change and finding new ways to solve problems.
Example: A quick detour to fetch a parcel instead of going straight home from school leads to moaning, confusion, and meltdowns. Change is hard when flexibility’s still growing.

Inhibitory Control: stopping to think before acting or blurting out. Example: Daniele colouring a bright red oval on Mom’s detailed art project, not out of malice, just pure impulse before the brain’s “pause button” kicked in.

Planning and Organisation: managing time, materials, and steps toward a goal.
Example: “Yes, Mom, I’ve studied!” followed by, “Wait, can you just check what I’m writing tomorrow?”. (A timetable would help).

Task Initiation: and Persistence: getting started (even when something feels hard) and seeing it through to completion. Example: The LEGO project that’s been “in progress” for two months, and the unpacked boxes waiting patiently in the garage.

Emotional Regulation: staying calm enough to think clearly and recover from frustration, or other intense emotion. Example: Daniele locks his brother out as a joke, and Luigi spirals into a two-hour meltdown. A perfect picture of how hard it can be to self-soothe once emotions take over. It’s also helpful to know when these skills develop so we can meet our children where they are at and don’t expect skills that are typically not meant to be developed yet.

Executive functions emerge in early childhood and strengthen through the primary years, with notable gains in late childhood and adolescence; refinement continues into the early 20s. The ranges below reflect common expectations, but keep in mind that every child’s path is unique.

* Ages 3-5:
Beginnings of impulse control and turn-taking; can follow simple, single-step routines; early working memory for brief tasks; starting to switch between simple rules with support.

* Ages 6-8:
Better at two–three-step directions; improved inhibition in structured settings; can shift between classroom tasks with prompts; early planning (pack a bag with a checklist).

* Ages 9-12:
Noticeable growth in working memory and cognitive flexibility; can plan short projects, estimate time (imperfectly!), organise materials with visual systems; more consistent emotional self-regulation with adult coaching.

* Teens and Young Adults:
Increasing independence in planning, prioritising, and self-monitoring; more resilient shifting under stress; ongoing fine-tuning of prefrontal networks into the early 20s.

If your child’s executive functioning skills aren’t quite matching their age group expectations, don’t panic. This is a guideline and it’s not a reflection of effort or intelligence. These are skills that can be strengthened with practice and support.
If your child often struggles to:
* Start or finish tasks, even ones they enjoy
* Cope with change or unexpected events
* Remember instructions or stay organised
* Manage frustration, tears, or anger
… you may want to consider an assessment with an occupational therapist or educational psychologist.

We look for the why underneath behaviour and build a plan that fits your child and your family. There are also many ways you can build executive functioning at home. I have created a Quick At-Home Strategies super simple handout with some ideas to support you and your child. And it’s for FREE! (You will find this on the ‘shop’ section on the CAP Kids website under LSEN & OT) If you need something more, I’ve created a set of Executive Functioning Resources to help you get started. These are designed with real families in mind (yes, like mine!) and can make a big difference in everyday life. Watch this space, they will be available soon! In our house, executive functioning is an ongoing group project, with no due date, and many snack breaks. But that’s okay. We’re learning together and building those brain muscles one experience at a time.

Sources consulted:
* Interdisciplinary Council on Development & Learning (ICDL). (n.d.). DIRFloortime® Framework. Retrieved
from https://www.icdl.com
* Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (n.d.). Executive Function & Self-Regulation. Retrieved
from https://developingchild.harvard.edu
* Diamond, A. (2013). Executive Functions. Annual Review of Psychology, 64, 135-168.
* Anderson, P. (2002). Assessment and development of executive function (EF) during childhood. Child
Neuropsychology, 8(2), 71-82.
* Best, J. R., & Miller, P. H. (2010). A developmental perspective on executive function. Child Development,
81(6), 1641-1660.
* Zelazo, P. D., & Carlson, S. M. (2020). The neurodevelopment of executive function skills: Implications for
academic achievement gaps. Psychology & Neuroscience, 13(3), 273-298.”